Hope and the strength to overcome

I'm not sure if when i accepted Christ into my life if i thought he would make everything bright and fuzzy. I know that He washed me of my sins and claimed me as His own and that He would stand by me and love me, no matter what life brought. Somewhere along the line i think i got the idea that Jesus would make everything better and alright (this is true in His understanding and not in a world's understanding). But I've wondered a time or two if God really truly cared about my current circumstance or if He really indeed did love me. Though I've felt His all encompassing love on a deep and intimate level, i still have felt at times lonely and lost. Why must I go through pain and trails and see loved ones as well go through rough patches? What happened to my life being so much better with Jesus? If He truly loved and cared for me then why must I feel so broken?
There are so many things in this life that are unexplainable. Why does a child who was raised up in the Lord, who accepted Him and lived for Christ so fervently run the other direction from God when she became a teenager and now lives in the depths and pit of despair and a life out of control? Why does God heal someone of one life threatening disease, only for that person to have another life threatening problem a few short years later?
Life is rough, hard, at times almost unbearable and filled with pain. It is also beautiful, wonderful, unexplainable and filled with joy.
I think when we share about Christ there needs to be honesty so that a firm foundation can be built. YES, Jesus takes away our sins and brings us closer to God. He is our comforter and our provider. He gives hope, joy and peace. BUT that doesn't mean that we will never go hungry, we will never be sad, and we will never experience pain. We will still see loved ones get hurt, we will still get disappointed, we may even have harder days and nights. But there is a difference between going through life with the Lord and without the Lord. Without Jesus life doesn't make sense. Why are we here? What is our purpose? To live, eat, drink, love, work, suffer, die? What about that deep longing in our soul? What about wanting to belong? Wanting to be loved? Without the Lord there is no comfort, there is no certainty and above all there is NO HOPE.
With the Lord there is hope. He brings peace and understanding. He brings healing. He brings a sense of belonging and love. He brings joy in the hard times and He gives THE STRENGTH TO OVERCOME. He gives hope of a future Glory, of a life and kingdom that will reign forever. He doesn't guarantee that life will be easy, but he guarantees hope and that He will be there for those who hope in Him. Don't take my word for it though... take his word...

John 16:33
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Psalm 33:18
But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,

Psalm 33:20
We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield

Psalm 62:5
Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him

Psalm 147:11
the LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Isaiah 40:28-31
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

With Jesus there is HOPE and STRENGTH TO OVERCOME,because He has overcome, He has conquered death, He has brought us life so that we can live in His hope and live through His strength. We who have the Lord are not meant for this world. We were created for a different place, we are just travelers here, journeying through life.. through the good and the bad, the joy and sorrow. Through Christ each experience has a deeper meaning. Each joy is brighter, each sorrow is deeper. But with each joy and each sorrow there is hope and strength.

 ¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18, New International Version)

I just want to encourage you today. If you are going through a hard time and you just feel like you have NO idea what God is doing or what is going on or why things are the way they are, cling to the Lord and His HOPE and STRENGTH! This is not your home, you are a traveler, cling to His word and rely on His strength to pull you through another day to bring Him glory.

I think that this is a very fitting song for this post...

"SMS Shine"

Send me a sign
A hint, a whisper
Throw me a line
'Cause I am listening

Come break the quiet
Breathe your awakening
Bring me to life
'Cause I am fading

(Surround me) with the rush of angels' wings


Shine Your light so I can see You
Pull me up, I need to be near You
Hold me, I need to feel love
Can You overcome this heart that's overcome?


You sent a sign
A hint, a whisper
Human divine
Heaven is listening

Death laid love quiet
Yet in the night a stirring

(All around) the rush of angels


Oh, the wonder of the greatest love has come


Shine Your light so all can see it
Lift it up, 'cause the whole world needs it
Love has come, what joy to hear it
He has overcome
He has overcome




p.s. this is such a HUGE topic with SO many aspects... I'm sure I'll touch more on it in the future.. it's just to big to put all in one post!

being okay

I think generally as woman we tend to question ourselves a lot. Well at least i know i do. Am i enough? I think we all have to go on a journey of being okay with what we are and what we are not. These are a few things that i have questioned myself on if I'm enough and things that I've learned to be okay with. Somethings little, some things random, and others more important.

-I am not a gifted writer by any means, and I'm just fine with that.

-I am a terrible gardener. I HATE weeding and i pretty much just pray that my garden grows despite them. Though i must admit i still try every year in hopes of better results.

-I cannot put makeup on at all so i just don't wear it. I use to think that it made me less of a woman because i was not so much into make up and i wasn't great at applying it... but now I'm come to understand that my self esteem is high enough that I feel comfortable and beautiful enough without it and it's OKAY not to wear it.

- I hate wearing pants! Now i know that this sounds silly but i seriously struggled with this for a while. I LOVE wearing dresses and skirts, but for the longest time i almost felt ashamed to wear them because i didn't want people to think i was legalistic. I think wearing jeans and pants are just fine for woman, I personally just hate the way they feel and would much rather be in a skirt or dress. Though for hiking and camping i wear pants. For some reason in the "christian circles" there is this stereo type that goes along with woman who always wear dresses and skirts and I just didn't want anybody to label me with that because i am not much of a legalistic person.

- Being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done. When I was in my late teens working at the daycare and running the church nursery as well as babysitting jobs i was calm patient and great at what i did. I thought for sure once i had kids i would be THE BEST mother. HA! Oh my young foolish mind. Life happened, my boys came and i discovered that i indeed was not the calm and patient person that i thought i was. I've had some serious moments of questioning of my sanity over the past 6+ years... being a parent is extremely difficult and there really is no way to prepare someone for that... I know God gave me my boys and that He has equip me to raise them, but i often ask the Lord if i really am well suited to care for them.

- I really am not a great cook. I use to be mortified when Matt would not like my meals... now, though sometimes i am a little hurt, i get over if much faster and try the best i can to produce something a little more palatable next time.

-Being okay and not beating myself up when my family isn't 100 percent okay. What i mean is that my husband and my boys cannot always be happy and there are going to be times that i will let them down, or something will be out of my control and it's OKAY. The world isn't over and I am a human being with many faults... But the beauty of it that God's grace covers me. That doesn't mean i use it as an excuse.. it just means that i push on through whatever it is and not take things so personally.(does this point make sense?)


anyway it's late... i know my thoughts are choppy, but i just felt like sharing. I should be getting to bed anyway!

Goodbye geese

Our two geese were just getting to loud and rambunctious for me. Since they were only three weeks old i figured they would only get louder and more irritating to me so I traded them in.

Meet Eleanor and Gertrude



Gertrude is the one that has more orange on her. I picked those names because they are now the old ladies of the bunch. I got them from a friend's mom who was looking to downsize her chickens and get more geese, so it worked out well for both of us. We've only had them for one day and i've already got an egg out of them so they must feel comfortable. They are very friendly and they don't seem to mind sharing the coup with the little chicks, ducks and turkeys.

That's it for the farm update. All the other animals are doing well and enjoying the warmer weather and lush grass that spring rains and sunshine brings.

God is not a white man...

All about Daniel

Daniel has been doing great lately. He is verbalizing A TON! He has been pointing at everything showing me what he is interested in or if he needs help with something. He has been utilizing sign language more which is great and reduces stress on him and us. He has been playing more with his brothers. He has very little separation anxiety and is totally fine going to new places. We can drive in the car and i can take a turn in a direction i know that he is not familiar with and he doesn't freak out! (He use to scream the whole car ride if we were driving somewhere he didn't know or he didn't want to go). Life has just been easier with him.
Last night we were playing with our new set of finger puppets and he was imitating sounds and actions and engaging in play. SO AWESOME! He was pretty attached to the finger puppet he was playing with so i let him go to bed with it. It was just such a good night i wanted him to go to bed on a good note...



Yes... he still gets rice milk at night from a sippy cup... it's one of his only comfort items... and I'm okay with that! I'm sure he won't be wanting to drink out of his sippy cup at night when he's 14! :)

Anyway, i just had to share, He's doing so good and I'm so proud of the progress he is making.

It's the time of year for...

bare feet....



rock throwing


and creek exploring

Music

My soul has been soothed by music lately. One of the most beautiful pieces of music ever written, in my opinion of course, is Mozart's Piano concerto No. 21. I could listen to it over and over again. It makes me slow down and see the beauty of each moment.
Have a listen, and maybe your soul will find some rest and beauty as well.

The Chicken Condo

It's finally complete! The chickens, ducks, turkeys, and geese now have their new home to live in. Once they are big enough not to be eaten by the cats then we will let them free range the pasture.

Here at our two turkeys checking out the top floor of the chicken condo. We call them Tino and Renegade.

Daniel Update

We had the doctor appointment today. It went just as i expected with a little bit of a twist. I went through the normal routine of telling the nurse no we do not vaccinate and did my best to be polite and kind in my assurance of how i felt about what i did and did not want put into my children's body. I was surprised that the doctor was trying to get me to do a fluoride treatment for Daniel that visit.. i didn't know that family physicians where starting to take on the roll of dentists. I graciously declined and told her that i felt that Daniel did not need a fluoride treatment even though we do live on well water. We already use toothpaste with fluoride in it and even that I'm not to comfortable with, but Matt feels it necessary, so we've come to a common ground on it. ANYWAY... sorry rabbit trail there. I won't tell you how the whole appointment went word for word but here is the main points...

- Daniel is growing great! above average in height!

- The next step is getting his hearing checked, though he had no fluid in his ears and they looked good! yay!

- After the hearing check we will be going down to Portland and going through testing for an official diagnosis... though this probably won't be for a few months at least as it's a long wait list to get in.

- The most surprising part of the visit was that she didn't think that Daniel exhibited a lot of "autistic" tendencies and she said his big issue seems to be the speech delay and everything seems to stem off of that. She said that she would be interested to hear what the official diagnosis is. I can see where she is coming from with that because Daniel is VERY social, has great eye contact, and is very intelligent... just non verbal and has some separation issues. She said that in a few things he was a little more advanced then typical 4 year olds. So that was intersting.

Anyway.. that's all i have for you tonight. Over all the appointment went well and i totally felt the presence of the Lord keeping my head level and calm for my boy, not to mention Daniel did great!

Little Warriors and a Princess

Tonight we had some friends over and the boys had a great time sword fighting. A little while ago Matt made swords out of pvc pipes and insulation. Tonight the boys got to *test their skills out against their friends. The girls weren't to interested in sword fighting so they just watched. :)



Elijah was pretty proud of his defensive post and fought off the compition well.


Izzy just watched... i thought she looked like a princess watching the knights fight for her honor. So cute!

A story worth sharing

I'm not sure if i've ever shared this on my blog before, and sorry if you have read it, but it is an encouraging story.


The Invisible Mom

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and asks to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, "Can’t you see I’m on the phone?" Obviously not; no one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I’m invisible. The invisible Mom.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I’m not a pair o f hands; I’m not even a human being - I’m a clock to ask," What time is it?" I’m a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I’m a car to order, "Right around 5:30, please."

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that wasclean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a hair cli p and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it.

I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this." It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees." In the days ahead I would read - no, devoured - the book and I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it." And the workman replied, "Because God sees." I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become."

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I’d built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You’re gonna love it there."

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Camp Prime Time

We have a great oppurtunity to attend a camp just for families with special needs children with Daniel's school. The camp is near white pass in Washington. It's called Camp Prime Time, and it was founded by two brothers who saw the need for a place for families with special needs children to rest and enjoy eachother. Camp Prime time's mission is to seek to enrich the lives of families with children who are seriously ill or disabled by providing an outdoor wilderness experience where families can enjoy themselves in a supportive atmosphere without financial burden.
I cannot even begin to tell you how excited i am about this oppurtunity! Not even is it a place where our children can be comfortable and accepted, but it's also FREE! Serious blessing. Anyway, check out the link... We'll be going for a weekend this summer.

I've been loving the music of NEEDTOBREATH lately.
"Let us love" is especially is my favorite to listen to while i'm running. My favorite line from the song is " every heart has an hour of existence, ever breath brings a chance for redemption". I like the beauty and truth in that statement.
So here you are, I'll post the lryics and at the bottom of the post you can listen to the song if you like.

"Let Us Love"

We were born to embrace, not accept it
We were given nothing more, and so we kept it
As the colors of our boots keep fading
We live a life that we hate without saying

Who would listen to the cries of a poor man
We’ve never done nothing
How could we be something
Every heart has an hour of existence
Every breath brings a chance for redemption
If somehow we could wake up

Let us love
Like we were children
Make us feel
Like we’re still living
In a world I know that’s burning to the ground
Give us time
To beat the system
Make us find
What we’ve been missing
In a world I know that’s burning to the ground

In the crowd of the dead and disappointed
We’re ashamed, giving up on what we wanted
Take a chance on a long shot this time
Aren’t we all just at least worth another try

I’m a king in a land of abuses
Undermined by the promise of excuses
Who’s to win if we know that it’s not fair
Who’s to fight when it seems that no one cares
If somehow we could wake up

Let us love
Like we were children
Make us feel
Like we’re still living
In a world I know that’s burning to the ground
Give us time
To beat the system
Make us find
What we’ve been missing
In a world I know that’s burning to the ground

It’s hard to stay here, but where do we go
I know we can’t feel it anymore
It’s true that time is wearing us down
We fall further and further away
Waiting for always to change

Let us love
Like we were children
Make us feel
Like we’re still living
In a world I know that’s burning to the ground

Leave your hurting on the road behind you
Let the wind go with you ‘til the morning comes
Yeah your sorrow, it can’t save you
It won’t answer for what you’ve done

The view from here

This is a common sight to see out of our bedroom window on rainy days. It probably doesn't make your heart as happy as mine.. but i love it!

I had a lovely mothers day and a terrible weekend. I won't go into it but i had terrible stomach pains that knocked me out for most of the weekend. Matt was so loving and great. He took great care of the boys and even gave me good times to nap. By Sunday i was feeling a little better, so we did our favorite thing for mother's day... EXPLORE!



The boys were fascinated by the waterfalls.. i love that my boys can learn so many things about nature hands on in the area that we live.

Church

After 2 years of not being able go to a church service, last Sunday i got to enjoy a little bit of worship and a message and even baptisms at our new church! :D
Daniel loves it.. he was so excited to go to church last week! The best part of the service last week was the pastor telling the congregation that he knows there are families with special needs children and that it can be tough to worship with the extra needs so he was saying how they would love to step up and help out the families with special needs kids... A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! Seriously... I feel comfortable there... there are a lot of families with boys around our boys age, so I'm excited to get to know people and become a part of others lives in our community. I'm also excited that the boys don't mind sitting in service with us during worship and also that Joshua actually sits with us during the message, though they are going to try a children's church during the message time starting this week, so we are going to ask him if he wants to go to that or sit with us. Now i just need to be outgoing and open to new relationships... it feels so good to be moving into the direction of community again!

And here we go...

After Joshua's unofficial diagnosis of Autism I was drained. Emotionally and physically drained from working with doctors and therapist, drained from bearing the loss of my dream for him, and drained from just him. Please don't get me wrong, i LOVE my son, but it is physically and emotionally draining to have a special needs child. So after going through emotional ups and downs with Joshua and hoping and praying Daniel would not end up the same as his brother, i felt defeated when Daniel too exhibited signs that something was not right. Again i fell into feeling emotionally drained. I was not emotionally stable enough to sit through doctors and therapist telling me how delayed my child was and what he couldn't do. So i just focused on loving him and taking a break from all that "therapy". Late last year i decided to jump in again to the doc. therapy world with Daniel shortly after he turned 4 and he still had no verbal words of communication. I endured testing with the local special needs school and I.E.P meetings. They told me that on a test they did on him a typical child scored anywhere from 4-10 points and he had scored -5. Yep... he scored in the negatives. He qualified nearly on all levels for help and they were ready to get him into the school for every therapy that was available. They commented on how much money they would get for him because he was so delayed. Deep breath... it's more painful in person.. trust me. So now it's 6 months later... Daniel's only word that he can verbalize is "No", so it sounds more like a 1 year old saying naaa for no. I'm ready... though i didn't want to go through official diagnosis with Joshua and put him through the hearing testing and all of that, I'm ready to do it with Daniel. Though there is a difference between Daniel and Joshua. Joshua improved within the few weeks when we started healing up his physical issues. Daniel is on a strict gluten and casein free diet just like his brother and he has only shown improvement in mood, not so much in the talking department. So i am ready to move on and even though i didn't feel like getting Joshua officially diagnosed was the right move for him (and i am still thankful that we didn't go that route with him), i am comfortable doing it with Daniel. The boy is so intelligent and gets so frustrated that he cannot communicate and i want to know EXACTLY why he can't. SO here we go... diving into the great big world of specialist and people telling me what my son is not and what he cannot do. I feel stronger this time... i feel ready... though i know that it will be the beginning of many tears and worries, i feel more at peace this time. It will all start in two weeks.
sigh... i can do it!

Special Delivery

look what came in the mail today... all the way from Iowa!!!!






I'm excited about this little guy or girl... i LOVE ducks!!! Roxy was pretty excited that we got new farm animals too.. she had fun smelling them!

All i want for Christmas.. oh i mean... Cinco de Mayo is my two front teeth...



What's spring without mud?


My sweet Daniel Josiah...