I can't believe how fast he's growing up!

The Room

I didn't write this, but it was something that i read when i was a teenager and just recently found again that i wanted to share.

The Room...

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself inthe room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read 'Guys I have liked.' I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would lookover my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named 'Friends' was next to one marked 'Friends I havebetrayed.' The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird, 'Books I Have Read,' 'Lies I Have Told,' 'Comfort I have Given,' 'Jokes I Have Laughed at .' Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: 'Things I've yelled at my brothers..' Others I couldn't laugh at: 'Things I Have Done in My Anger', 'Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents.' I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature. When I pulled out the file marked 'TV Shows I have watched', I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of thefile. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows, but more bythe vast time I knew that file represented. When I came to a file marked 'Lustful Thoughts,' I felt a chillrun through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content.. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!' In insane frenzy I yanked the file out.. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it.. The title bore 'People I Have Shared the Gospel With.' The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand. And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep thatthey hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But thenas I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please, not Him. Not here.. Oh, anyone but Jesus. Iwatched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bringmyself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes.. Why did Hehave to read every one? Finally, He turned and looked at me from across theroom. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity thatdidn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began tocry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said somany things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me. Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Startingat one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign Hisname over mine on each card. 'No!' I shouted, rushing to Him. All I couldfind to say was 'No, no,' as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn'tbe on these cards. But, there it was, written in red, so rich, so dark, soalive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. Hegently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign thecards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but thenext instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to myside. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, 'It is finished.'I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door.There were still cards to be written.

Because i just love picture posts!

Adventure at the beach

6 Months...

It's amazing the changes that happen in 6 months. It feels like he's been here forever.

I said i was going to post captions for the pictures, but i changed my mind! You can just enjoy them without captions. :)
As of last night Matt has officially stepped back from working with the youth at our church. I'm excited to have him back home on Sunday nights. Our season with the youth group was good but it's time to focus on our family! We love the youth but during this fragile season with our boys it's important we are taking care of their needs and being there for them.

I've been waffling back and forth on the future schooling for my children. Do we send them to public school, do we homeschool? What's the best option for them? My main concern with homeschooling is if I have the strength to do it. But the more i pray and draw closer to the Lord the more i feel confident that is what he wants us to do. And i know that if that is what he wants us to do then he will give the strength. Joshua still has one more year at the special needs preschool and then we will see from there. I've only been hearing bad things about schools lately and also even his current school mates (yes even the special needs ones) favorite movies to watch are "Hell boy". Yep... a rated R movie is a 4 year olds favorite movie that he likes to quote. And it makes me think, what am i exposing my children to? What are these kids bringing to school spiritually?
An article that i read the other day only justified my fears more about sending Joshua to public school. There was a little boy who was in kindergarden. He spent half the day in kindergarden and half the day in a special needs class. When he got home the parents found a bag of poop in his backpack with a note on it saying that the teacher had found it on the floor. Is that anyway to deal with a special needs kid who probably doesn't understand what he did or is having some issues? NO. So anyway... schooling is just a major issues on the brain for me right now. I ordered a book from amazon that i am hoping will give a little light on the best way to teach Joshua at home. It's called Homeschooling the Child with Autism: Answers to the Top Questions Parents and Professionals Ask (Jossey-Bass Teacher) . I'm hoping that it has some good insight on how to go about this. Joshua is 4 years old but he is functioning socially and emotionally at 2 1/2 to 3(also in language). He's catching up very fast though! :) Now Daniel our 2 1/2 year old, on the other hand still is not using language. He does say "MA" when he wants milk and he uses signs sometimes... but we still haven't gotten him to breakthrough on language yet. But he is typical in play and being social. I feel like i am surrounded by special needs children and I'm just ready for a "normal" child. But i have hope that my children will end up "normal" so to speak. I know that God has a special place for them and I need to persevere to show them God's love on a daily bases. We have high hopes and expectations for Elijah! Hopefully now that we are more informed of some issues that may have inhibited our olderchildren from development, that he will not have the same issues that Joshua and Daniel have had to deal with.

I'm loving the warm weather! It's Amazing and so great to be out with the kids in it!

That's it for me for the day, maybe if i get more sleep i will continue to have rational thoughts! :)

Our weekend in pictures

I'll post captions tomorrow! :)

Vacation was good... lots of hiking. I didn't get all the pictures i wanted, but i have great memories and we will definitely be visiting the place we went again.
Some of the pictures i did get

Elijah before hiking...

..

and this is what he looked like for most of our hiking...

Matt Climbing things... :)

The older boys went with us also but in all honesty i really didn't take very many pictures! I wish i had, but overall good vacation and very pretty... now for OTHER pictures

Garden!!!! (ignore the weeds... i'll get around to them someday!)

These are the sweet peas

green beans

Radishes

Potatoes

Apple tree!!!

No this is not hiking... this is our backyard and the creek that runs near it...

Roxy kept getting in all my shots... this was the best i could get with her running around

Appaloosa riding around in my pocket!

Video of the kitties! :)

i'll put more videos on later.. my camera battery is worn out right now.

I am blessed beyond measure. Surprisingly some days i have a tendency to forget that. I often feel inadequate and overwhelmed. God gave me these boys and this family and I'm going to continue to strive to love and care for them that's all in my power. Though some days I'm on the edge of loosing my sanity, I'm gently pulled back in by my loving lord and reminded of all the abundant blessings he has given me and the calling he has put on my life. really... is my life that hard? I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, a warm bed to sleep in at night and I'm surrounded by love. I complain way to much.... i need to be more thankful. Okay there's my spiel.. here's some pictures. :)