I have a tendency to focus on the tasks that need to be done. ... which makes me miss the beauty. The beauty of this very moment.
i was watching old videos tonight... there was one of Elijah when he was 16 months old. It made me laugh and smile.. and then i realized that i will never have that age back. I mean don't get me wrong i LOVE being out of the baby and toddler years and NO DIAPERS.. but i feel like i was knee deep in it so long.. that i did everything i could to close my eyes and wait for it to pass for older days.... and now i am on the next season. oh I've heard all mom's with older children tell me how it passes before you know it... and you know what.. THEY ARE RIGHT. But yet... i still miss the beauty of the day.. today... I probably missed it the days that i was making the videos as well. I have to tell myself to relax and enjoy where my children are at right now very often.. because i know that i won't be able to get this day back. They will grow and start a life of their own soon enough.
Today i was asking Joshua what he wanted to do when he got older like daddy. He said that he wanted to travel the world and makes lots of friends... and then he would tell them how much Jesus loved them. He said he would go to Africa and the forests in India and then meet the Chinese people. I asked him if i could come visit him while he was traveling, and he told me i could come with him. My heart smiled... i hope that dream comes true for him. I think at he has a heart yearning for exploration and adventure, just like his mom.
Every morning i wake up and I am greeted with a " good morning mom, how did you sleep?" Elijah crawls into the bed regularly and asks for snuggles and whispers " i love you" with a smile and a hug.
And i cherish... and i slow down... i highly doubt they will be climbing into my bed in the morning when they are 15 to snuggle and tell me how much they love me...
i remind myself that all too soon they will be on their way.. and i will be left with the memories that we've made today, i don't want to miss the beauty of today...
I also have a tendency to get caught up in "normal". Oh normal how you PLAGUE me! Just when i think i am doing good.. just when i think that i can cope with my children's differences I get caught up in normal again... and then i get all grippe and cranky about how hard my normal is.
The one that deals with it the most is Daniel....
Oh Daniel... my heart aches... I really truly want to be able to do everything possible to help you feel comfortable and loved, but also to push you and help you understand the world around you... and for the world to understand you...
Most days I'm lost in trying to figure out how to understand you... most days i am wondering what to do next.. wondering what i can do to "fix you".
Yes son... i am sorry.. i try to much to fix you, instead of trying to understand you and accept you and your special gifts. I get stuck on normal... and I'm slow at learning how to let that go. Because you, my beautiful, loud, laughing, and mischievous son, are amazing.. and you have many many gifts.. and i can see it in your eyes.
You challenge me, you push me and grow me to deeper love.
You are my Daniel.. and as you are sleeping in the room next to me, i wonder who you will be. Will you be able to go out into the world on your own, or will you always be with us? Will you have friends that you feel close to and understand you?
And somedays... like today i wonder if you will you ever be able to drink anything other then out of a straw or a sippy cup? I mean.. yes there are bigger things then that, but sometimes i feel like we are loosing or doing something wrong because you have so many sensory issues... but i think that we just need to let go for Normal... I need to let go...
Because seriously...
if you need to drink out of a straw or sippy cup to get liquid that THAT'S FINE!
really... the world will not end...
we will keep trying to get you to be able to drink water or milk out of a cup ( because that skill will help you when you are older) , but in a way that's loving and healthy for you.
Please forgive us when we loose our patience or we don't understand. We just love you.
And i hope someday you will be able to read this, and look back and know that we love you... the way you are.. and we are learning to let go of that nasty word " Normal" and what life is "suppose" to look like, and embrace YOU.. in all YOUR youness.
4 comments:
This was so touching, I burst into tears. I think all parents fall into missing the moments they are in right now. It can be so hard to be in the moment sometimes. I miss when my kids were babies sometimes. If it's any consolation, my oldest daughter climbed into bed with me until a few months ago and she is 21 now lol. She still sits on my lap on occasion. I have two kids with special needs and how many times I cried and prayed and worried through many sleepless nights, needlessly in the big picture. all I could see was the small picture, the one I invented in my mind based on their limitations and I forgot that God made them perfect. He made them exactly as he wanted them to be. It's easier for me now to say it all works out in the end because they're not little anymore. I still worry about my six year old, I'm still in the small picture human frame of mind. God is a big picture God. He sees everything and I think when your children are adults, you'll be able to see how he worked in all those small moments, maybe unnoticed by you but noticed by him. xoxox
Kristin, I love you.
Come over here and you can talk non-stop and I won't interrupt at all and you can just vent and unload.
Okay??
(((HUGS)))
I echo Nyssa...and I cried. Beautiful.
beautiful :) ~Renee
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