Follow up...

It's hard for me not to delete my last post as i feel extremely exposed, but I'm going to keep it up. Though i am through the dark days and now i feel like my days are filled with hope and light, it's still important to share the hard times. When i re-read over the last post the story of Eustace and the dragon in the voyage of the dawn treader came to mind. Briefly I'll explain if you have never read the story. Eustace was a selfish little boy and because of it he became a dragon. After some time and his heart being changed, he so very much wanted to be a boy again and felt sorry for all he had done. But with all that he tried to scratch off his dragon skin, he could not even peel a layer. It wasn't until Aslan came along and peeled off the skin for him, that Eustace became a boy again. And though during the peeling of the skin it did hurt, it was a good pain that was restoring him. I feel like Eustace, a selfish person, only caring about my own needs and desires and through that i was turned into a dragon. The Lord reached out and saw my broken and longing heart and started peeling away the layers. I LOVE my children deeply, they are such a source of joy. Even through the hardest times i could not give them up even for a second, but I am a selfish woman who had expectations dashed to the ground and i felt like i was turned into a dragon with no hopes of becoming a human again. But the Lord has been ever so gracious and loving and he has started to peel away dragon and restore me. So i will press on, for my Jesus, and continue to love and serve these precious little warriors he has given me. And though the world may see them in a certain light, I know that God has BIG plans for my little boys and that i need to continue to view my boys through the eyes of Christ. In Him i have more then enough strength to get through the day and be all that my boys need me to be.

I didn't what this.... from the depths of my heart...

Okay, I've done alot of light and fluffy blogs lately about gluten free cooking and holiday celebrating and home school loving. And now it's time to share from the depths and pain of the past couple of years. There is no secret in the fact that my two oldest boys have special needs. There is no secret that Daniel can not utter the words mommy, or tell me that he loves me, or even tell me he is hurting, happy, or confused. There is no secret that my two precious sons are viewed by the world as damaged goods. But there's a secret in my heart.. there is pain that i hold so close to me that I'm ashamed to let go. I'm ashamed at the things i have said and the ways that i have accused God. I have been weak and broken, I am weak and broken. Why, i have screamed to the Lord, WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THESE BOYS, I DIDN'T WANT THIS, I CAN'T HANDLE THIS. I've spent hours crying and pleading with the Lord. I've spent hours in self pity and pain. I would look at others life's in envy and longing thinking that their problems were so little and trivial. It was such a struggle to listen to friends complain to me about their child not stopping talking and asking them questions and wishing they could have a moments peace, when i would spend HOURS each day intensively working with my son to look at me and to even utter the word "milk". My heart was bitter and in pain. Why me? I love children. I have always wanted a house full of children. Everyone said i would be such a great mom, and now God lands me with not one, but two boys who have special needs. The irony of it is that when i was in college in the first year Matt and i were married, i did children's ministry in a nearby town and there was a little boy who had down syndrome. I remember just loving that little boy and my heart setting itself that one day, i would have a child with special needs... not biologically, but maybe through adoption. Which is really funny to look back on. There are the common catch phases that people tell you to make you feel better, that they think will help make life easier... " God knew you could handle them, he knew that you had the heart for it". And other saying like that. Which at the time you think, yeah right... sure.. you are just thinking, thank God my child is normal because i wouldn't want to go through that everyday. My favorite are the people that so lovingly give you suggestions or glances at the store and they have NO idea that they are just wounding you deeper. As if you aren't a good mother, as if you don't know what's best for your child, as if they could do it better. I went through this season of pain and grief and utter despair. I would avoid social contact at all costs, and mostly because of it being hard on the boys with change in schedule, but a good part of it just feeling so in the depths of despair. I would hide behind my children, i couldn't go certain places or do certain things because of them. Which in part is the truth, but a lot of it just me protecting my broken and fragile heart from more heartache. I didn't want to form new relationships or meet people or even continue to develop current relationships, because it was so much easier to just avoid the pain. It was easier not to have to explain our children and our situation. I remember when we got pregnant with Elijah (our youngest son) shortly after we realized that Daniel was also special needs and i just prayed and prayed that we were pregnant with a girl. Because maybe if we had a girl, we would have a "normal" child. When we found out that Elijah was a boy i was in a panic. I thought for sure he was going to struggle with the same issues that his brothers had. I spent hours researching everything i could find on autism and family connections. Earlier in Joshua's diagnosis and then in Daniel's we met with a naturalpathic physician and started Joshua on a gluten free diet and on supplements . Matt's parents thought we were crazy. After more research we decided against continuing vaccinations ( as Joshua was typical and regressed after his 18 vaccinations) for Joshua and for Daniel. So from then on anything i heard that may cause developmental issues where a no-no in our house. It could be ANYTHING. After Elijah was born i was very adamite about him always having everything organic, no vaccinations, no chlorine diapers, etc. I was obsessed with every little thing, so worried, so worried to have another child who the world would view as broken. I would cry to the lord about how i could not handle three children with issues, let alone two and to spare my youngest son. By this point Joshua was doing great, talking interacting, asking questions and wanting to be around people. Many prayers were answered and each day we turned into a "normal" boy. At the same time Daniel got worse. He was had extreme separation anxiety among other issues. We stopped going to church, socializing as a family and generally going anywhere that involved being social. Though i was so excited about Joshua's improvement and recovery, i felt myself slipping deeper and deeper into my pain. My darkest days were dark. I would hold Elijah close to me, as he was still a baby, and cry and try to stay Strong for my children. Try to be a good mom, try to love them and work through my pain to help them. Everyday, doing the same thing, saying the same things over and over, repetition... trying to get Daniel to communicate his needs, trying not to just want to give up. I isolated myself thinking that i was protecting myself and my children. Little did i know i was just hurting us more. I came to a breaking point and i was convinced that maybe if we moved life would be better. So we tried to move, and it didn't work. Funny, though i thought for sure if we wouldn't be able to move it would break me beyond repair, it did break me, but it broke me to be fixed. God broke me, so that i could be fixed and repaired in his image. I can't pinpoint a certain event or day... but my heart started to change. I've always loved my children. I've always tried everything possible to keep them safe, loved and healthy.. but I just didn't understand how to accept who they were and love them where they were at. I know this sounds strange. You have dreams... you dream that your son will be like this, or your daughter will be like that and that they will grow up and do things and interact with people. I had those dreams for my children, and i still have them, but when you throw autism into the mix, it almost kills those dreams and leaves a void of empty promises and questions. God took my heart, and opened my eyes to my boys. He opened my eyes to their pain and their heart and helped me to see them in a different light. He opened my eyes to our situation and he opened my heart to be healed and most of all, I felt his forgiveness. For all the times that i yelled at him, for all the time i doubted him and wondered if he really knew what he was doing. I never lost my faith in Him, i never wanted to turn away from him, but i certainly felt wounded. I'm still healing, and i know that it's going to take a long time. I also know that there may be even darker days ahead, but i know that He will be there, holding me up and speaking to my heart through the dark hours, while I'm crying and screaming and kicking all the way saying I didn't want this. The hour is growing late and I'm tired... I really want to share more, and i will... this isn't easy for me, but i know that it's needed in order for me to heal.

*disclaimer- i am terrible at spelling and grammar and all when i am spilling out the depths of my soul.. so please bear with my writing and hopefully my heart can shine through :)

Chewy Chocolate Chip cookies

Okay people.. I'm going to let you in on a gluten free secret that I've come to discover over the past couple of years... it's all in the flour. You can't just stick with one flour when you are baking gluten free. White rice flour, sweet sorghum flour, tapioca flour, brown rice flour, garbanzo bean flour... etc... you can't just use one. The best way to a half way decent gluten free meal is having a good flour blend. So.. that being said.. the best flour blend i have used and tried through many recipes and succeeded so far is the one that Silvana Nardone uses in her cookbook "Cooking for Isaiah". Seriously, if you are going gluten free, are gluten free or know someone who is gluten free, get this cookbook! Okay... so the selling is done and on to the recipe, because I'm just going to share it on here... my version...

Chewy Chocolate chip cookies (previously chewy chocolate chunk cookies, but i just had chips)

1 cup plus 3 tablespoons Silvana's all purpose flour blend (i posted this on an earlier post on gluten free food and i would link up to it if i had the time or energy but i don't so you'll have to go find it yourself !)
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup softened butter (in the cookbook it says vegetable shortening, BUT i like to do butter and Joshua can tolerate dairy in cooking so i stick with butter, because it's just better)
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1 large egg, at room temperature
1 teaspoon vanilla (i usually just pour in however much looks tasty to me)
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips, chunks, whatever you prefer

preheat oven to 375. lightly grease baking sheet. In a small bowl whisk together the flour baking powder baking soda and salt

In a separate bowl beat together butter, brown sugar and granulated sugar until fluffy. Beat in the egg and vanilla. Gradually mix in the flour mixture and stir in chocolate.

Using a spoon scoop into balls and drop the dough unto cookie sheet. Bake until golden at the edges (i would say anywhere from 9-12 minutes depending on your oven) let cool for a minute on the pan. and then transfer with a spatula to a plate. And yummy gluten free cookie eating will be yours!

C is for Cookie

Don't these look good?

I know what you are thinking...They can't be gluten free, they look to good... oh but they are gluten free! Do you want the recipe? Just leave me a comment and i'll share it with you :)

Today in pictures

Resolutions big and small

Things that I want to work on this year

1.The atmosphere of my home. I want my boys to be challenged to grow and learn in an environment of love, calmness, and order. I want our home to be a place of refuge and hope that those who come will feel the peace of Christ in our home and in our family.

2. My reaction to unfavorable events. Instead of getting impatient and frustrated when one of the boys has destroyed something or made a mess, or not listened for the 30th time that day, i want to react calmly and peacefully and stay self controlled, keeping my speech firm, but still loving.

3. make breakfast. I am not to much of a morning person, which i am working on, and making breakfast has never been something that I've desired to do or worked hard at doing for my family.

4. read more books. Not just books of self improvement, homeschooling, or devotional... but books I've always wanted to read like " The Swiss Family Robinson" which i am Reading right now.

5. Drink more water

6. make my children brush their teeth. I am absolutely horrible in this department and I must confess that my children very often go to bed with unbrushed teeth.


That's really all i have, though they are plenty! :) What are your "resolutions"?

And the Gluten Free Winner is....

I know you don't like the Bob's red mill mixes so I'm going to give those to Megan (i guess both of you won!) and I've got a couple of other "mixes" for you to try.