I didn't what this.... from the depths of my heart...

Okay, I've done alot of light and fluffy blogs lately about gluten free cooking and holiday celebrating and home school loving. And now it's time to share from the depths and pain of the past couple of years. There is no secret in the fact that my two oldest boys have special needs. There is no secret that Daniel can not utter the words mommy, or tell me that he loves me, or even tell me he is hurting, happy, or confused. There is no secret that my two precious sons are viewed by the world as damaged goods. But there's a secret in my heart.. there is pain that i hold so close to me that I'm ashamed to let go. I'm ashamed at the things i have said and the ways that i have accused God. I have been weak and broken, I am weak and broken. Why, i have screamed to the Lord, WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THESE BOYS, I DIDN'T WANT THIS, I CAN'T HANDLE THIS. I've spent hours crying and pleading with the Lord. I've spent hours in self pity and pain. I would look at others life's in envy and longing thinking that their problems were so little and trivial. It was such a struggle to listen to friends complain to me about their child not stopping talking and asking them questions and wishing they could have a moments peace, when i would spend HOURS each day intensively working with my son to look at me and to even utter the word "milk". My heart was bitter and in pain. Why me? I love children. I have always wanted a house full of children. Everyone said i would be such a great mom, and now God lands me with not one, but two boys who have special needs. The irony of it is that when i was in college in the first year Matt and i were married, i did children's ministry in a nearby town and there was a little boy who had down syndrome. I remember just loving that little boy and my heart setting itself that one day, i would have a child with special needs... not biologically, but maybe through adoption. Which is really funny to look back on. There are the common catch phases that people tell you to make you feel better, that they think will help make life easier... " God knew you could handle them, he knew that you had the heart for it". And other saying like that. Which at the time you think, yeah right... sure.. you are just thinking, thank God my child is normal because i wouldn't want to go through that everyday. My favorite are the people that so lovingly give you suggestions or glances at the store and they have NO idea that they are just wounding you deeper. As if you aren't a good mother, as if you don't know what's best for your child, as if they could do it better. I went through this season of pain and grief and utter despair. I would avoid social contact at all costs, and mostly because of it being hard on the boys with change in schedule, but a good part of it just feeling so in the depths of despair. I would hide behind my children, i couldn't go certain places or do certain things because of them. Which in part is the truth, but a lot of it just me protecting my broken and fragile heart from more heartache. I didn't want to form new relationships or meet people or even continue to develop current relationships, because it was so much easier to just avoid the pain. It was easier not to have to explain our children and our situation. I remember when we got pregnant with Elijah (our youngest son) shortly after we realized that Daniel was also special needs and i just prayed and prayed that we were pregnant with a girl. Because maybe if we had a girl, we would have a "normal" child. When we found out that Elijah was a boy i was in a panic. I thought for sure he was going to struggle with the same issues that his brothers had. I spent hours researching everything i could find on autism and family connections. Earlier in Joshua's diagnosis and then in Daniel's we met with a naturalpathic physician and started Joshua on a gluten free diet and on supplements . Matt's parents thought we were crazy. After more research we decided against continuing vaccinations ( as Joshua was typical and regressed after his 18 vaccinations) for Joshua and for Daniel. So from then on anything i heard that may cause developmental issues where a no-no in our house. It could be ANYTHING. After Elijah was born i was very adamite about him always having everything organic, no vaccinations, no chlorine diapers, etc. I was obsessed with every little thing, so worried, so worried to have another child who the world would view as broken. I would cry to the lord about how i could not handle three children with issues, let alone two and to spare my youngest son. By this point Joshua was doing great, talking interacting, asking questions and wanting to be around people. Many prayers were answered and each day we turned into a "normal" boy. At the same time Daniel got worse. He was had extreme separation anxiety among other issues. We stopped going to church, socializing as a family and generally going anywhere that involved being social. Though i was so excited about Joshua's improvement and recovery, i felt myself slipping deeper and deeper into my pain. My darkest days were dark. I would hold Elijah close to me, as he was still a baby, and cry and try to stay Strong for my children. Try to be a good mom, try to love them and work through my pain to help them. Everyday, doing the same thing, saying the same things over and over, repetition... trying to get Daniel to communicate his needs, trying not to just want to give up. I isolated myself thinking that i was protecting myself and my children. Little did i know i was just hurting us more. I came to a breaking point and i was convinced that maybe if we moved life would be better. So we tried to move, and it didn't work. Funny, though i thought for sure if we wouldn't be able to move it would break me beyond repair, it did break me, but it broke me to be fixed. God broke me, so that i could be fixed and repaired in his image. I can't pinpoint a certain event or day... but my heart started to change. I've always loved my children. I've always tried everything possible to keep them safe, loved and healthy.. but I just didn't understand how to accept who they were and love them where they were at. I know this sounds strange. You have dreams... you dream that your son will be like this, or your daughter will be like that and that they will grow up and do things and interact with people. I had those dreams for my children, and i still have them, but when you throw autism into the mix, it almost kills those dreams and leaves a void of empty promises and questions. God took my heart, and opened my eyes to my boys. He opened my eyes to their pain and their heart and helped me to see them in a different light. He opened my eyes to our situation and he opened my heart to be healed and most of all, I felt his forgiveness. For all the times that i yelled at him, for all the time i doubted him and wondered if he really knew what he was doing. I never lost my faith in Him, i never wanted to turn away from him, but i certainly felt wounded. I'm still healing, and i know that it's going to take a long time. I also know that there may be even darker days ahead, but i know that He will be there, holding me up and speaking to my heart through the dark hours, while I'm crying and screaming and kicking all the way saying I didn't want this. The hour is growing late and I'm tired... I really want to share more, and i will... this isn't easy for me, but i know that it's needed in order for me to heal.

*disclaimer- i am terrible at spelling and grammar and all when i am spilling out the depths of my soul.. so please bear with my writing and hopefully my heart can shine through :)