Warning.. this will be a jumbled mess ... but I have a request that is important to me if you stick with it.
Sometimes I think I am not doing enough. Sometimes I think I am doing to much. Then I start writing a blog post about how it is harder to be a parent with special needs kids then a parent with "normal" kids. And then I start to get angry, or sound mean towards others, or sound bitter about my situation. And I just want people to understand. And sometimes I just want them to not say things like " I don't know how you do it", or " I'm sorry" or " will he be able to live on his own when he gets older?".. I know most all of those comments are innocent and meant with good intentions and curiosity. Sometimes i would rather not listen to advice from friends who have NO idea my day in day out struggles... yes they hear about them but they do not fully understand. (I have been blessed with a friend who does not have kiddos yet who really listens, understands and offers wonderful support and advice.. as well as a few friends who know the path i walk because they walk it as well) Sometimes I just want acknowledgment on how hard it is. And then I read the post I write and then I delete it all because I really do love my children and my life and I don't want it to sound like I don't.
Sometimes I dream... I want to be an encouragement. I want to be a light for the special needs community... I don't want to be a voice of negativity. I have learned so much, I still have so much to learn. Sometimes I offend people and sometime I am offended. My life is different, my path has been walked by many, my life is exceptional, my life is ordinary.
And I read... oh how I read.. I read about therapies, I study, and I wonder... what IF.. WHAT IF I DID....
and then I think I am not doing enough.
Because doing everything isn't enough. But it is... but it isn't, or so I've read. Because there is always something MORE.
But maybe I just need to do less. But what would people think of me? And I guess I am busy. I don't feel busy.. but I am.
And this season will pass.. just as the last season did. And I will feel confident again, and I will feel like things are awesome, and I will forget about the differences in my children that I face each day because they are normal to me.. and they are normal to them.
But I know every once in a while i'll forget again and want to write a blog post about how hard life is and i'll want some support and encouragement again.
Can you, my meager amount of readers do me a favor? I'm asking for some encouragement... not " God doesn't give you more then you can handle" encouragement... just encouragement about how awesome my kids are and an acknowledgement of how hard I am working with them to make their lives beautiful for THEM, and how hard they are working. Does that sound self centered or pushy or needy? Well sorry if you think so, but honestly.. if you know me, and my heart and my day in day out life.. you know it's truth (about how awesome they are and how hard we are all working to make a beautiful life)... I don't ask for much.. but when I ask, please know that I really mean it, because truthfully I could use some encouraging words right now.
4 comments:
Dear Kristin, you are doing enough.
Your boys are SO BLESSED to have you as their mother! You care for them every day, you champion for them, you wrestle in spirit for them, you work and work and work to help them!
They are loved and cared for.
That in itself is enough, is far more than enough, is what every child needs but not enough have. That love will cover over so many multitudes of motherly failures!
I wrestle with the same doubts and fears about not doing enough. My situation is different but I think the discouragement is common to every mother who is caught up in this labor of love for her children. I was wrestling with it earlier (I feel like I'm failing at homeschooling with Rilla, I am not hitting the right things right now, I am frustrated and discouraged) and then I was reading something completely off the subject and was reminded how blessed my children are. And yours are too.
You are probably not doing a perfect job. I am probably not either. My kids called me "mean" tonight and I laughed. (It was the first time they've said that and the thought flickered through my mind how exceedingly blessed they are above so many of the world's children! And I know I wasn't being mean!)
I am always encouraged to persevere in mothering when I read your blog. I know that your challenges with them are incredibly intense, even if I don't understand exactly what they entail. But I keep seeing you persevere and DELIGHT in them. That is an encouragement to me!! Even if you or I miss some of the absolutely-perfect-for-this-child things that we realize later we should have tried sooner... or whatever... that's okay. No child, special needs or not, benefits from everything going perfectly for them all the time and having their mother catch every single one of their needs... that makes them grow up with a sense of entitlement, and a lack of compassion and patience! Of *course* we want the absolute best for them but we are doing all we can, and that is all God wants us to do, because more than that would be more than is healthy for our kiddos.
I hope that makes sense. You are a great mama. It's not up to you to do it all, God doesn't want you to do it ALL, He wants you to do your part, and let Him be the sufficiency in the gaps that you miss. Sometimes it is in the things that we miss where our children discover grace and patience and a place to grow in their faith later through what we lacked. If we were completely perfect at this earthly parenting thing, they wouldn't need a heavenly Father, would they? Your love points the way to Him, and that is the important thing. He IS faithful, He will fill in the gaps, and you are doing a marvelous job raising up godly sons. They will rise and call you blessed, I am sure of it.
May the Lord bless you and keep you, may He comfort you with His presence and surround you with His nearness, may He give you peace in the midst of the most difficult moments and patience and grace for your boys at every turn, and unity with your husband too through all the hard stuff you go through together... the daily things that you can't share openly but which are so challenging and so big! God is there with you through it, and He is glorified by the way you are laying down your life for Him as a mother.
May He sustain you in His grace and encourage you with His joy... His peace... not that which the world gives, not that which comes from everything going right or coming together as it should, but the abundant life and uncomprehendible joy that He gives even to those who are in the worst of places. He is with you through all of it.
You are a great mom! *hug* I love you, friend. And I love your boys. They are sweet, respectful boys and they're a lot of fun. I miss them!
"God doesn't give us more than we can handle" is not a good thing to say, and it's okay not to feel encouraged when you hear it. God specifically gives us more than we can handle! He gives us more than we can handle on our own strength so that we have to depend on him, and so that his glory can be shown! I often think of Gideon's army (Judges 7).
Also, there is finally (!) a package coming your way. USPS says today is the expected delivery date, but I don't know if that's for real since it just left this state yesterday. But maybe! It was cheaper to send it 2-day Priority, so that's what I did.
You know I get this because I walk a similar path. Also because I have "special needs" ( yikes - I did not like just writing that) and you have seen the struggle in adulthood. But Kirstin I hope you also know that even tho we share similar things I respect our differences and I would have loved to have you as a mom. Seriously. Lol- that sounded funny. Also, your boys ARE amazing. My kids immediately trusted them in video blogs and that is saying something. Also I wish I could hear more of your stories sometimes...they make me feel encouraged and less alone when you share your frustrations too. I feel that way...that I can share my frustrations with you because I know you will not judge. I hope you can trust me not to judge too even if our experiences are different.:) You have a beautiful life- you MADE a beautiful life...and a wonderful husband and three gorgeous insightful kids who bring meaning into the world:)
Dear Kristin,
You are a good mother. You care for your boys beyond the average mom. You labor in love for them and I see it-through this blog, through a mutual dear friend, from my memories of you at our friends' wedding. I look forward to reading your blog - even when you are needing to vent - because everytime, I know that here is a mom who has been given a lifelong challenge, yet loves Jesus with all her heart, with all her mind, and with all her strength. And through that love, Christ multiplies it and it overflows into her children, into her husband, into her blog. I am always encouraged when I read your blog. Always.
Rest in Him, He will show you the fine balance of doing too much or too little.
You are beautiful.
Love, Renee
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