Because i struggle....

I am a pleaser. I want to make everybody happy and I tend to over commit myself. No wait, i do over commit myself and take to much on. It's like i'm still trying to live like life is normal. Because i should be able to do more because i don't work, Can't i help everyone?
About 5 years ago i attended a bible study at our old church and the one thing that resonated from the older women was that they wish they would have been there for their families more... they were stay at home moms, but they were making meals for everyone else, and helping everyone else when it was their family they should have focused on. There is this mindset in the christian community that if you are a stay at home mom you have so much free time and ability to do things for others. Set aside the fact that you have your own family, go make this meal for a new mom.Those things are all well and good, but if you are making a 5 course roast dinner for a family who just had a baby, but you are feeding your family mac and cheese because you spent all your energy on the other families meal.. there is something wrong there. I see it so much, woman putting all this energy into loving others and giving their crappy seconds to their own family. I don't want to be that woman. I don't want to give love and energy to others when i can't give it to my husband and the ones that i brought into this world! I hit a hard learning curve this past year. I devoted time and energy into basically what feels like a black hole. There is so much to the story, but at the end of the day what i was seeing was a VERY stressed out and cranky me, and a very hurt family who wasn't getting my best. I was letting my family struggle for something that i thought that i could handle. I gained 20 pounds, stressed myself out to the point of developing migraines and lack of sleep. I tried doing it all and i failed and didn't give anybody my best. And so i'm slowly learning to simplify, reevaluate what's best for me, for my family. Because if i'm running myself into the ground trying to care to much or try to hard for something that i shouldn't, then i am doing no good. You know what.... even though i have seen my fault in the area of depriving my family in my quest to make everyone happy... I STILL STRUGGLE. Seriously struggle. And second guess myself. And i pull back and start feeling better and start thinking that i can handle more... and then the cycle begins again.. take on more = take on more stress = get cranky with the ones i love. BAD COMBO.
Sigh.. i ordered a book... because that's what i do when i try to figure out how to balance or work with a certain issue. This book is called "Overwhelmed no more; The complete system for balanced living for parents with special needs children" hmmmmm i have flipped through it and it looks good.

I always get comments that I have my hands full, or that things are really busy and i have a lot going on. And i use to say " well it's not that much, and we're good". Today a specialist called me up because someone we know gave her our number. I get a lot of people recommending what to do with my kiddos and what to listen to or watch or what product to give them. And it's nice but sometimes super annoying. Anyway rabbit trail. So the Lady asked me about my kids and i told her about the autism and the apraxia and the sensory issues... she said that was a lot, and for the first time i said  "YES IT IS!" Because it is... it is A LOT. And by golly I AM BUSY!!!!!! And it felt great to be honest. MY LIFE IS A LOT. And some days I wake up and just pray to God that he can keep me on my feet for that day. Some days i feel wonderful and great and think things are so easy and i totally got this. And i just need to get over the stupidity of taking on more then i can handle... and the thought that i am letting people down. You know what... I NEED TO BE OKAY WITH DISAPPOINTING PEOPLE. Because at the end of the day those that i need to love on are within a 50 foot radius of me most of the time. All others outside that radius should be the ones getting my seconds, not my first. Though i love friends and other family members dearly, my core needs to be taken care of. ESPECIALLY in this tender season. So much growth, so much development is required in my little ones minds.. this is prime time and i can't waste it feeling like i haven't been good enough for everyone else. But i still struggle, and i think with my personality i will always struggle with not taking on more then i handle...