Friday morning thoughts

I lay and listen and wonder.

The dryer is running, the dishes are drying, the boys are sleeping.

who will do this if i'm gone?

I'm affraid to die.

Not in a way that most people think... I'm affraid to die because... what would they do without me?

hmmm that sounds self centered, like their world revolves around me... but in a way it does.

He wouldn't be able to pursue dreams as well without a helpmeet beside him.

They wouldn't get daily love, support and attention from a heart that pumped the blood to nurish them for those months in wait the arms that held and loved them the years after.

Nobody knows them like i do, nobody loves them like i do.

I think about death. I think about leaving this earth. I'm not scared for myself, i'm scared for them. And that's why i can't die.

Sometimes i fall asleep and wonder if my heart will stop beating in the night. Sometimes i go for a walk or drive somewhere and think what would happen right now if i have a stroke.

I have blood clotting issues. I have circulation issues, and for some reason my heart and veins like to give me the runaround.

With these recent strange events going on with my brain ( as i am typing this, the hearing in my right ear fades in and out... and this morning while i was asking elijah if he wanted milk in his cereal instead of milk i asked if he wanted worms.. yep .. worms) i can't help but think about it. There is a very real possibility that i have a blood clot in my brain and it's just waiting to explode.

What if i don't die? What if i just become totaly useless and unable to communicate or move before my brain becomes damaged from a sudden stroke?

I have close friends who know me and love me and know i think this way. One of my closest reasured me she would come out and visit me one last time before i died if it was something serious, though she told me it was nothing and i was being silly. I love her, she gets me. Though she knows i am talking in all seriousness that i expect her to come out here if i'm diagnoised with some stage 4 brain cancer... MARIA!

One would think "BUT GOD IS A GOOD GOD AND HE WOULDN'T LET THAT HAPPEN".

Why not? Why wouldn't he let that happen? People die, familes are broken, life can suck big time. Why should i be spared, or my family be spared from pain, from death.

we need it. We need pain and death. We need the reminders and cycles of life. Life would be so ... absent without pain and death. I know some wouldn't agree with me on this and that's fine. but there is, believe it or not, great purpose and beauty in pain and death.

I'm still affraid though, for my family.

But obviously I can't see the big plan... and some would say " well if you die then that means God has something even better planned for ________, and He will heal them of their broken heart"

I mean i know God has a plan but i don't agree that it would be better. (hmm that sounds self centered too! mememememe) Let me put it this way... I think it's okay to have a broken heart. I think it's okay to have gut wrenching pain and loneliness and complete and utter desperation where you are barely hanging by a thread because of pain, suffering and loss. It's okay to not be okay.

I might fall asleep and not wake up tomorrow. I might fall asleep and wake up every morning for the next 60+ years. I have no idea...

I'm working on being okay with that. Well i guess i have to be okay with that right, because it's not in my control.

And really...

truely...

i'm starting to let that go....

i'm letting go of being scared of what my family will do without me and being okay that things might fall apart in a big way. they probably will... but i do have hope that in the end it will all end up okay...somehow.. and there is purpose.
Maybe that's how my stepdad felt in the end.. maybe that's why he clung so tightly to healing and resotoration on this earth. It wasn't for him, it was for us... for his family.


What are you affraid of?