Where i share about the day he died....

This may not be a post that you will want to read, but it's something that I need to get down so that I can remember as the years wear away the memories.
At the end of July when I got the call from my mom that the results said that Marty had terminal bone cancer I knew that even though they said it would be 6-12 months... i knew it would be sooner. I hung up the phone and bawled and wept. I told Matt and just wept and then I called up my good friends and cried to them. I don't know why but i felt God pressing me and telling me that we needed to go out as soon as possible. Just a few weeks earlier Matt's parents so graciously helped pay for a plane ticket for me to go out and visit my family on labor day weekend. Even though i was going to fly out to Minnesota just over 4 weeks from the time we got the news of the cancer, I felt a overwhelming need to go out with the boys and Matt asap. I had a few friends really feel an urgency that we needed to go out. So two short weeks later, the Lord worked wonders and Matt was able to get a week off of work and we pulled out in the middle of the night for a 30+ hour drive to MN. God was with us, we had NO problems on the drive and the boys did amazing! Really amazing... driving across the country with a 6, 4 and 2 year old seemed like it would be something we would never want to do.. but the drive wasn't so terrible that we are actually considering doing it again next year. We arrived about 3 days after Marty had been released from the hospital. He was still walking around on his own then and he was able to spend time with us visiting. When he came into the kitchen to see me and say hi he just hugged me and he was crying. And i was crying.. i can't ever remember him crying. He wasn't strong physically and he was pretty tired, but the boys were able to give grandpa Marty hugs and see him, and we were able to talk pretty well. I"m so glad we went when we did. Before we left Joshua gave Marty a hug and told him " I'm sorry you are sick grandpa Marty." Marty just said he was just tired, but Joshua could tell he wasn't normal. Before we left Matt and I prayed for him and he in return prayed for us and just spoke love into our lives and just gave a last bit of wisdom to Matt. We gave him a hug and I told him i would see him in two weeks (i had a plane ticket to fly out by myself for labor day, and we decided that i would just keep it.) We left and I had forgotten something in the house so i went back in to grab it and He was just sitting on his chair, reading his bible. He looked so strong and peaceful. And in that moment i just thought, this is how I want to remember you. Now let me go back a little bit to a couple of days before we left to come back home to Washington. I was with mom and she was telling me about a dream that Marty had. He had a dream that he was just in a dark room in chains and in bondage. My mom could tell you better what his dream was, but basically he was in bondage and then there was freedom and open spaces. Instantly the Lord pressed upon me that He was going to give Marty freedom and ultimate healing through death, and that it wouldn't be much longer. I just couldn't tell mom what the impression of the dream was, how do you tell a wife that you feel like God is telling you that her husband is going to die soon? Especially your mother! Let me just tell you that I believe in healing, i believe that God heals fully and completely on earth! He DID heal Marty through his first round of cancer over 7 years ago. I know that my parents were praying for a healing on earth and I know that God IS fully capable of that, but when the diagnosis of bone cancer was given I felt the Lord tell me that it was Marty's time to go home... so is it even right to share that with someone when they are praying so hard for a healing on earth? I've struggled with this a few times... feeling impressed by God that someone is going to pass ( I had a friend who lost a child and I had a dream from the Lord before it happened), and not really knowing what to do with it. DO i say something? Did he give me it to be prepared to love on the people left behind? Am i suppose to pray that event doesn't happen? I just don't know, and i do struggle, but i feel like i am growing in understanding a little more... i just don't understand why he allows me to feel those things sometimes. So when we left Minnesota that day, i really wasn't sure if i would see him on earth again. The two weeks went by slowly... so much happened from the time that we left Minnesota to the time that i flew out again. Marty's condition worsened the night we left. He was back in the hospital the next day and things looked bad. He even had a seiezer and mom thought for sure he was gone. The doctors where surprised that he was still holding on mentally so well. They did more tests and basically told him form that point, a few days after we left MN that he may have as little as a few days left. I'm going to be honest here, and this may sound insensitive, but i didn't want to go back to Minnesota. I didn't want to be there when he died, i didn't want to remember that or see that. I wanted to remember him sitting in his chair, still a little strong, reading his bible connecting with his saviour. Two days before i flew out to MN by myself for labor day weekend, Marty was released from the hospital to home hospice care. My older sister picked me up from the airport. It was late. My parents converted their downstairs into Marty's care room and mom set up a bed down there so she could take care of him because at this point he needed help with everything. He looked so much worse then the two weeks before when i had seen him and he was worse mentally.. mainly because of all the pain meds that he was on because of the bone cancer. He held a conversation for a little bit, but i could tell that he was just tired and hurting. There was no where for me to sleep besides in my parents room, it was so weird sleeping in their room and not having things be normal. The next morning I went down to visit, but i could tell he really wasn't in the mood for company, but mom wanted us to visit to keep him awake before dialysis. My older sister and I went back down with my little niece, but he asked us to leave because he needed quiet. For him that was cranky and he was off. I went with mom to drop him off at dialysis ( he had kidney failure about 5 months previous so he had been doing dialysis.) Mom was so stressed and tired. When we picked him up from dialysis and brought him home, mom was wheeling him across the lawn and he looke4d at me and he asked me " Are you okay?" . He said it differently.. like he was asking me if i was going to be okay that he would be gone soon. We got him in the house and mom got back to work on full time care of him. I spent some time with my sister and we had dinner and watched a movie. I couldn't fall asleep.. it was so hard to fall asleep. I called Matt and talked for a while about the day and how hard it was. And then i tried to sleep and i just couldn't so i wrote my friend an e-mail... here is some of that e-mail..


I can't sleep. It's hard to be sleeping in my parents room. It just feels wrong. I wish i was home. I just feel even more terrible being here because it's so much closer to the stress. Mom doesn't get any sleep because she is taking care of Marty 24-7. He won't let any of us really help.. he'll just say he doesn't need anything and then ask for mom. And it's not like you can talk about anything really because conversations last about 2 sentences over the span of 5 minutes. So... it's just hard. I really want to spend time with mom because i know she needs a break, but she can't leave Marty because again he needs the 24-7 care. Anyway... i should probably try to sleep.

About 10 minutes after i wrote this e-mail i was laying in bed just crying out to God. I was crying for my mom, I was crying for Marty. For all the pain and hardship and how hard he was still clinging to this world when i just felt like God was calling him home. And I was just crying and asking God to bring Marty home and to bring him relief and freedom and COMPLETE healing. And then i was crying that i was even feeling that way that he would be taken away. About 5 minutes after that the phone rang... and i knew mom had called tha advice nurse and the nurse was calling back. I went down to check on how things where going and asked if mom needed any help and asked her what was going on. Marty had a nose bleed earlier in the night and now he had severe congestion that was just getting worse. Mom asked me to come in and pray with Marty. SO I knelt down and started praying outload and Marty uttered out "HEALING", he wanted me to pray for healing. So i prayed that the lord would heal him and bring comfort. To ease his pain and give peace. Mom and I prayed. Marty lifted up his hands and was praising the Lord and adding him prayers when he could through the congestion. And then we started reading from the psalms and all over the place. Words of comfort and of healing and peace and the Lord drawing near. He really wanted to hear Psalm 91. We read that a few times between different scriptures. I even busted out into "as a deer" ... I'm not a great singer, but it just felt like a good thing to sing. He was just lifting his hands in praise loving his saviour. He just wanted us to keep reading. I had to pee so bad.. i was peeing ever 10 minutes. I think I pee under stress. So one of the very last things that i read to him was this passage...

Isaiah 55:8-13

8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.”

And as I read this passage I KNEW he was going home soon. I knew that Marty would not be returning to the Lord void. He impacted so many for the kingdom of Christ. When i read this part of the verse i just knew God was speaking through it that it would be the way he would be going into the arms of Jesus
You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.

Marty loved thunderstorms.. and there was one that night, and shortly after he passed there was a clap of thunder that made me think about this passage i had read to him earlier and i was thinkign about the trees clapping thier hands and dancing.. it just seemed right.
So i finished reading a little and again had to pee. While i was gone Marty said his last words on this earth. He told my mom that he was free.. and to lift up your hands and praise the Lord. He was praising Jesus for as long as his earthy body would let him. Shortly before he lost his ability to speak she asked him if we should call my brother and wake up my older sister, but he said no. Shorty after he stopped talking mom looked at me and asked if we should wake up Shawna, and i thought we should. SO we woke her up and we decided to call my brother. We knew that it could be a few days with him in the stae we was, but we didn't want to take chances. So my brother nick arrived shortly. And we all sat there and decided to read to him psalm 91 again because he was pretty agitated. we had nick (my brother) read. He was pretty choked up reading it, but Marty calmed down when Nick was reading. We then tried to make him as comfortable as we could as he had slide down his special chair a little bit and looked uncomfortable. I think one of the coolest times of the night was seeing my older sister get down on her knees and start praying and calling out to the Lord for relief and healing for Marty. I had never seen or heard my sister pray, so it was just such a cool thing to be able to hear her talk to her creator. After a little bit of that we all relaxed and started talking about past vacations and fun times together. Marty then started breathing like he had fallen asleep. Which was a relief because he had finally calmed down a little bit. We knew he was sleeping because he was snoring. Oh how he would snore... you could hear the man the next state over! Mom slept with earplugs for their whole marriage and i am pretty sure she will probably sleep with earplugs the rest of her days on earth as well! So we knew he was sleeping by the snoring. And then he breathed his last breath... and we were all there, mom, shawna, me and Nick... and we were holding his hands. We told him that we would take care of mom and that we loved him. I wanted to say " Tell Jesus hello for me and give him a hug and tell him i can't wait to see him" but it seemed strange at the time.. but that's what i was thinking. Something else that i want to share quick before i go on.. that might gross you out so shik this next small paragraph if you can't read about blood and stuff...

The bloody nose was a sign that Marty had started basically bleeding to death. His platelets were so low. So near the end what was causing the congestion was actually blood running down his throat into his lungs. Mom was so calm... she lovingly wiped the blood from him mouth when it started coming out, and she was also using a thing to squeeze out the blood from this mouth. What an act of love... anyway.. I just had to share that, some may think that may be to much, but i had to share.

So after he passed, mom pulled out her bible and told us how God brought her and Marty together (which i had already known but i loved hearing) and really just testifying to the love of Christ.
And after he passed, i knew why i couldn't fall asleep that night. And I knew why he wanted me to be out there for my Dad's passing. God wanted me to see that incredible man on faith pass into eternity and to witness the last few hours that he had on earth. I felt so blessed to spend that last few hours as a family. I felt so blessed that i was able to be there to help support my family. It was like it was when we first became a family. The 5 of us. Marty was a gift from God to our family. God used Marty to bring my mom to the Lord and to bring our family out of a place with no hope.
God's timing is incredible. The plane ticket for me to fly out to Minnesota on the weekend that Marty left this life was booked BEFORE we knew about the terminal bone cancer... in fact it was 2 weeks before we knew about the cancer that I had booked the tickets. He died on September 3rd.. at 5 in the morning. That weekend is so full of so many different events and feels like a lifetime within itself. But for now.. i will leave this already much to long post for now. If you have hung on long enough to even get to this point, thank you reader, whoever you are of going down this journey with me. I hope that I have not depressed you or made you feel sad by my experience of loosing the man God put in my life as my father. I hope that you can come away from the post KNOWING that God has an ultimate plan of love and faithfulness and that He is GOOD and FAITHFUL, and though life and moments can fade away, His Glory and Love last forever. I am eternally blessed and grateful for all He is and has done in my life and I KNOW that He holds me heart and my days in His hands and that I will see my dad again some day and I know he has a purpose for Marty's passing at this time.