I've been thinking about this post for a while. Matt and I have been married for 10 years now. We are still newly married in my mind, but it seems now in this day in age 10 years seems like such a huge accomplishment because couples are not lasting very long. When Matt and I first got married we were bright eyed with the newness... but we were pretty grounded in knowing what we were getting into. There were some surprises but for the most part I feel like we've done well even though life has thrown us some pretty crazy hard things. We've come through those things strong, united, changed, and beautiful. So how have we gotten through 10 years together and still like being together (imagine that!)... ????
Here are a few things that we've learned over the years of marriage that I wanted to share with you. Some are my own suggestions but I actually read this GREAT article by a guy who was divorced and some of these suggestions are based off of the things he said he would do differently with his wife. Great wise words, I have included my own edits on what I have felt spoke to my marriage and life over the past 10 years.
At the end of this post I will put a link to article.
My marriage advice from a perspective of 10 years....
I know that every marriage is different, but there are some general rules I feel that really help a marriage to thrive.
Make God the center. In my marriage to Matt... it is God who holds us together... It's a strand of 3.. it's not about me, it's not about Matt.. it's about us together serving God.
Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take your spouse for granted. Guys, When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.
Protect your heart for your spouse. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your spouse. Keep that space always ready to receive them and invite them in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.
Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. If you don’t take care of eachother's heart, they may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win eachothers love just as you did when you were dating.
Always work on seeing the best in each other. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. Choosing to focus on the things you love will help you keep an attitude of love towards your spouse.
Love is a choice, not an emotion... your job is to love eachother as is with no expectation of them ever changing. And if they change, love what they become, whether it’s what you wanted or not.
If you are lucky enough you will find someone who will do the same thing.
Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your spouse’s job to make you happy. Seriously.. if you think that it is your spouses job to always fill you up and make you happy then you will be let down very fast. Only God can fulfill you, and you are the only one who can control your emotions and your reactions. Never blame your spouse if you get frustrated or angry at them, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within, pray and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed.
Allow your spouse to just be. When they are sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD THEM and let them know it’s ok. guys, let your woman know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.
Ladies, guys need space to think and to process.. well at least my guy does. He needs to know he is loved, BUT he also needs space to collect his thoughts and to understand and process.
Be silly… don’t take yourself so seriously. Laugh. And make eachother laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
Also... You will both make mistakes. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.
Learn each others love languages and the specific ways that they feels important and validated and CHERISHED. A way to do this is to ask your spouse to create a list of 10 THINGS that make them feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to do at least one of those things..
Be present. Give eachother not only your time, but your focus, and your attention.
Give eachother space… , ESPECIALLY after you have kids. You both need that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find yourself after you get lost in serving eachother, the kids and the world.
Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes
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Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let eachother in when you don’t know if your spouse will like what they find… Part of that courage is allowing your spouse to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around eachother, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.
Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.
Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.
Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either of you have made, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.
And lastly but most of all.... Always choose to love.
In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work and a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.
I hope that in 10 years from now, we grow even more. :)
